When i reached home, the 1st thing i did
was ofcourse locked myself my room.
Mr.rabbit, thank god you were there.
I hug him, wishing it was my bf.
On my bed there i lay, my tears fell without
my permission.
I am really tired of this.
Its been 18yrs and i thought
that i finally 'fit in' the family, but i guess i was wrong.
I know i am nothing but troubles to you guys.
Maybe me leaving for 3mths is something
good.
It may be a jail house to me but
i guess i can escape from loneliness there.
A mother , a brother and me.
Maybe one saying was right.
'Two is a company, three is a crowd'.
And i am the crowd that will never fit in.
As long as my brother is with my mother,
I am nothing but an invisible living soul
following from behind while they share
everything with each other forgotten
that i even existed.
Or maybe sitting in the same table,
or maybe just next to each other,
they would whisper and laugh loudly,
and i just force a smile on my face when i am
crying on the inside.
I am the last to know anything about them
or anything they have planned.
So left out, but they will never know.
If i did show my true self expression,
they would only scold me and say
'Whats your problem?'
But have they wondered how i felt?
Forcing myself not to cry, its hard especially when
i am such a emotional person.
Shit, why am i crying while writing this?
Thats the 2nd time i cried today.
Every night both of you have your night
activities. And i am home alone with grandma.
The next morning both of you will share your
days and i am just sitting behind in the car,
silently and say to myself
'Get used to it and you'll be fine'
Friends are still saying this to me
'Your mum still prefers ur brother no matter
how much you've changed and all
you've done so far while all he does is argue with her?
Arent you gonna do anything? Dont you feel
its unfair?'
I would reply 'Its fine, as long as i am just
doing my part right thats enough for me.'
The only time i would hear them
talk to me or call my name is when they have
things for me to do.
But like i said, get used to it.
My brother just got himself a new i-phone.
And guess what?
When i-phone 1st launch, i said to him i wanted one.
He said it sucks and whoever buys it just
wasting their money.
Oh? Look who just got a new i-phone and is showing
it off every now and then?
And me?
I can just force myself to forget getting one
due to a situation we are in.
Afterall life is never fair.
Like lunch today, all mum said to me was
'Scare kor cant find parking, he is pissed because he
is hungry, the food wont be nice when
its cold, should i stand outside to find
a parking for him?' with a worried face.
Spoiled much? very.
Only he can make you smile.
Only i give u burden.
But then again, i am a replacement when he's busy.
Every time i see children so close with their
parents the only thing i could do was smile
and think to myself
'it must be nice to have such a warm family'
Example, my bf and his mother =]
How she would hug him, joke with him and give
him everything he needs to make sure
he walks the right path in his life.
Thats love :]
Whenever mom talks about us to friends,
starting off with vincent with the
oh-so-proud tone and the
'top 10 student' so proud tone and ending
off with me with the oh-so-troublesome tone.
There is a time when you just got to
stand up and say enough is enough.
But because you guys are my family i am just
gonna sit and shut up.
Tolerate it for awhile more.
When i am gone, maybe you'll only learn how to
appreciate me and know
something is actually missing.
So when i am gone, dont miss me.
Because eventually i'll keep finding ways back
to you both.
Because i know how LONELINESS feels.
Not getting anything i wan is fine.
But you having a thing or two that i wan,
stop showing off. Its not worth anything.
I wont cry neither would i get angry because
at this moment all i want is you both
to understand why i am not smiling anymore
and a LG ice-cream handfree for my phone :]
was ofcourse locked myself my room.
Mr.rabbit, thank god you were there.
I hug him, wishing it was my bf.
On my bed there i lay, my tears fell without
my permission.
I am really tired of this.
Its been 18yrs and i thought
that i finally 'fit in' the family, but i guess i was wrong.
I know i am nothing but troubles to you guys.
Maybe me leaving for 3mths is something
good.
It may be a jail house to me but
i guess i can escape from loneliness there.
A mother , a brother and me.
Maybe one saying was right.
'Two is a company, three is a crowd'.
And i am the crowd that will never fit in.
As long as my brother is with my mother,
I am nothing but an invisible living soul
following from behind while they share
everything with each other forgotten
that i even existed.
Or maybe sitting in the same table,
or maybe just next to each other,
they would whisper and laugh loudly,
and i just force a smile on my face when i am
crying on the inside.
I am the last to know anything about them
or anything they have planned.
So left out, but they will never know.
If i did show my true self expression,
they would only scold me and say
'Whats your problem?'
But have they wondered how i felt?
Forcing myself not to cry, its hard especially when
i am such a emotional person.
Shit, why am i crying while writing this?
Thats the 2nd time i cried today.
Every night both of you have your night
activities. And i am home alone with grandma.
The next morning both of you will share your
days and i am just sitting behind in the car,
silently and say to myself
'Get used to it and you'll be fine'
Friends are still saying this to me
'Your mum still prefers ur brother no matter
how much you've changed and all
you've done so far while all he does is argue with her?
Arent you gonna do anything? Dont you feel
its unfair?'
I would reply 'Its fine, as long as i am just
doing my part right thats enough for me.'
The only time i would hear them
talk to me or call my name is when they have
things for me to do.
But like i said, get used to it.
My brother just got himself a new i-phone.
And guess what?
When i-phone 1st launch, i said to him i wanted one.
He said it sucks and whoever buys it just
wasting their money.
Oh? Look who just got a new i-phone and is showing
it off every now and then?
And me?
I can just force myself to forget getting one
due to a situation we are in.
Afterall life is never fair.
Like lunch today, all mum said to me was
'Scare kor cant find parking, he is pissed because he
is hungry, the food wont be nice when
its cold, should i stand outside to find
a parking for him?' with a worried face.
Spoiled much? very.
Only he can make you smile.
Only i give u burden.
But then again, i am a replacement when he's busy.
Every time i see children so close with their
parents the only thing i could do was smile
and think to myself
'it must be nice to have such a warm family'
Example, my bf and his mother =]
How she would hug him, joke with him and give
him everything he needs to make sure
he walks the right path in his life.
Thats love :]
Whenever mom talks about us to friends,
starting off with vincent with the
oh-so-proud tone and the
'top 10 student' so proud tone and ending
off with me with the oh-so-troublesome tone.
There is a time when you just got to
stand up and say enough is enough.
But because you guys are my family i am just
gonna sit and shut up.
Tolerate it for awhile more.
When i am gone, maybe you'll only learn how to
appreciate me and know
something is actually missing.
So when i am gone, dont miss me.
Because eventually i'll keep finding ways back
to you both.
Because i know how LONELINESS feels.
Not getting anything i wan is fine.
But you having a thing or two that i wan,
stop showing off. Its not worth anything.
I wont cry neither would i get angry because
at this moment all i want is you both
to understand why i am not smiling anymore
and a LG ice-cream handfree for my phone :]
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