i've decided to give up.

Its been few days. I'm tired of breaking,
tired of falling, tired of crying.

You know guys, i always thought love is a wonderful
feeling but now i've realized, its wonderful yet heartbreaking
at the same time. Especially when you fall so hard for someone,
jealousy arise, and you tend to become so sensitive over
your guy talking to other girls, meeting their ex or anything
that has to do with girls.

If people say its because you dont trust them enough,
thats wrong. You trust them but you are just
so AFRAID to lose them. Especially when
you've been hurt by them the way you never expected but still
stayed with him because of love and promises you've made
with him whether or not he remembers it.
The first cut is always the deepest.

I guess when you grasp something so hard, you really
just spoil it yourself in the end. So, baby i've decided.
No, i wont stop loving you madly each day.
But i will set you free once again. I dont want you to lose
everything because of me. I've lost everything
because of my ex, i know how it feels. Nothing compare to a loner.

Maybe to you, there isnt anymore sparks to everything
we do together. But to me there is. No matter when/where
or how, you come and pick me up, i still get all excited
with the thoughts that you are on ur way, and every
date still feels like its the 1st date. Whenever i hear
my phone ring, and its ur name i see, i feel a warmth in me when
i answer the call and melt at ur 1st 'hello'.

Although we talked about going to college together,
having lunch together, going to college and home together,
and wait for each other no matter what time
the class ends. But now i know, plans doesnt always work out
even though we planned it ages ago. In the end, its just me
walking the path we planned. But i will still promise
to wait for you, and we'll get out of the country together.
Even if i am alone now, its fine.

I know i've became a complete loner, a complete anti-social girl.
I guess i have no choice but to stop being this way.
I should start mixing with more ppl. Its time
to brighten my life.

Baby, i know you may think i dont appreciate what you do
for me just because i dont say thank you often.
But honestly, i appreciate you more than anything else.
I appreciate things you do for me, even if you just let me
drink a sip of water from ur cup i thank you for it but
i just dont say it out.

I know i am no longer the girl you once thought i was,
i know i am no longer the girl you 1st fell in love with.
But i'm always the girl who stick with u no matter what.
Always the girl who loves you without reasons.

Although it may hurt me, but i dont want to be like
other ppl putting leashes on their partners like
dogs. Its not fair. You have ur friends, i got mine.
Its ur life, i cant take control of it.
I know i've said hurtful things like 'i dont need a man'
and 'i think i should stop loving u so deeply and set a limit'.
But i guess, i just cant make it come true even though i said it.
Because i need u more than anything else.

I've realized jealousy really KILLS.
So let me get over it, let you do whatever you want.
Go back to how it was in our 1st 3mths. I feel
you were happier those days. We girls may
call it flirting, but guys calls it making friends.

I'm tired of waiting for you to talk to me.
I'm tired of waiting till late nights for ur call and some times
i get none, then i wake up with a headache the next morning.
I'm tired of thinking you are flirting just because
you start a conversation with other girls.
You made promises with your ex or whoever fine, carry on.
Dont let me stop you anymore.

After our conversation last night, i did not go back to sleep but
instead i stayed up and think and think.
Yea you are right, i am over sensitive. I am selfish and
i am sorry. Which is why i am giving up on controlling you.
You never do control me at all. So why should i?
And yet you dont make a sound neither do you scold me.
Why? And you dont want anything from me except my
dog LuiLui.

Please dont make me change my mind. Please stop
telling me you want me to control you.
Its hard for me as well as you. I know i get insecure all
the time but i guess thats just how girls are.

And for all the guys out there.
We girls dont need to hear anymore lies like,
i only read ur blog and no one else,
i dont talk to any other girls, or,
i'll stop talking to them.
In the end the next day, we just find you talking to them.
Its ridiculous.

Whenever i login and happens to see u talking with other
girl on ur facebook, i call you a jerk, and the girl a slut.
See? Thats totally over sensitive now isnt it?
So, you might as well change all ur password.
I dont want a mini- heart attack anymore.

Baby, i know ur an awesome guy. I know you love me.
And i know other girls dont matter to you but
just like what you said, maybe because you cheated and that
made me feel so insecure. Just because i dont want
to care about what you do doesnt mean i dont love you,
i dont care about u in my own way. I am still being me bii.
I want to go back to the girl whom you fell in love with.
I want you to love me with no regrets.

As painful as it may be, bearing with it is all i can do.
Because i was able to hold those hands of urs.
I dont think i'll ever wanna let it go.
But if one day you were to leave, i'll just set you free.
I'll die as a widow, because your the last man i'll ever love.